Today was a much different story. It was a very difficult day; another night of little to no sleep leaving Mike exhausted. Mike didn't last long before he had to head back to bed.
As time goes Mike seems to get progressively weaker physically. The other day his face was white as a sheet, and he wasn't cognitively functioning all that well. He said he felt dizzy and just needed to lay down for a bit. He went in to the bedroom and I followed shortly thereafter.
I know we are to walk in faith as professed believers of Jesus Christ. But, I often feel the need to be near Mike when he gets like this. I want to be close by just to make sure he is still breathing. He works every day to be strong emotionally and spiritually for me; but the toll it is taking on him is beyond description.
Mike used to read to me every night as I lay on his lap on the sofa. It was a very precious time. We have a collection of A.W. Tozer books that we would also sit side by side reading and highlighting. That has pretty much dwindled away as Mike becomes weaker and his voice strained most of the time.
As though it was yesterday; I can still remember our plans moving here. We were looking so forward to the physical benefits of working our property. We had great plans for planting a large garden of fresh vegetables and herbs; hoping to be able to donate some food to the hungry and homeless. Now we are facing the reality that we may be the "hungry and homeless."
Although, due to the water flow across the property we never were able to fulfill the dream of a large garden, we did begin to get into great shape working around the acreage. We were eating healthy, had rid ourselves of television; and tried to have a positive attitude and work at a healthy productive pace.
Unfortunately, the stresses of the flooding issues, the subsequent economic backlash of flood insurance and loss of property value have been devastating. The failing economy didn't help matters with loss of business. We would have been able to jump start something had we been able to access equity in our property. We put $80,000 cash of our hard earned money as a down payment when we purchased this property. But with the home now valued at $0 "ZERO" and the land reappraised at $25,000, we are unable to refinance against any equity or sell the property. Even if we could dump this property for $25,000, we still have a mortgage obligation to Chase Home Finance for $319,000.
It is very hard to put into words what this has done to us. Besides robbing us of more than three precious and unrecoverable years of our lives, and our only savings in the form of our investment in this real estate; this situation has robbed us of the ability to see our elderly parents. I was forced to miss my father's 80th birthday party. The only thing he told my mother that he wanted for his birthday was to have all three of his daughters with him.
Two years later my mother's 80th birthday arrived, and again, I was unable to be with her. Moreover, we almost lost my Mom to issues with her blood pressure and kidneys. Instead of being with my parents, we have only spent moments in tears on the phone.
Failed efforts to revive our business and generate income along with attempts to generate other new business has been painfully unsuccessful. In the process we have drained my parent's of much of their retirement savings as they desperately try to keep us in this house so that we do not compromise our case; and of course they worry about me.
While we had been receiving help from my elderly parents, we at the same time recently had to stop assisting Mike's elderly mother who lives in a trailer park in a rough area of Las Vegas, Nevada.
This summer she called us in desperate need of help because her swamp cooler was not working and the temperatures were peaking at 114 degrees. I can remember the look on Mike's face as he had to tell his mother that we did not have the finances to repair her swamp cooler or to replace her a/c unit. She is not in the best of health, and had to dig into her meager social security income to have someone come out to address the issue.
I'm sorry, am I using the word "desperate" a lot? Well, that's our situation. While greedy attorneys appear to be needlessly and maliciously dragging out this case, our lives and the lives of our parents are being stressed to their painful limits.
It's one thing to feel you are not providing for your wife; and yet another to have to turn away your elderly, single mother. We tried to get her to come with us to Texas, but she is a stubborn woman, set in her ways and Las Vegas is where she wants to be. Nonetheless, she is his Mom, and he is her only child.
We stand at the precipice today teetering between moments of faith and assurance that God's will shall be done, and those moments where we are tempted to jump. God forgive us for those weak moments. We are just so tired.
All I care about is having my husband whole and alive at the end of this.
