OUR STORY Part 60: ADRIFT

¹⁸And we being exceedingly tossed with a tempest, the next day they lightened the ship;
 ¹⁹And the third day we cast out with our own hands the tackling of the ship.
 ²⁰And when neither sun nor stars in many days appeared, and no small tempest lay on us, all hope that we should be saved was then taken away.

Acts 27:18-20

Over the past several weeks we have not wanted to respond in unbelief or fear of our circumstances. Yet at the same time we are not wanting to sit motionless in some paralysis of denial. So we have prayerfully been putting our hands to task planting seeds and waiting for the hand of God to prosper in whatever direction He wills. So far nothing has produced any fruit and we find ourselves in the precarious scenario of lightening our ship in the midst of the storm.

The estate sale is still scheduled for next week, selling all that we have with no real direction of where we are headed. We had some things in play that have since fallen through. Circulation of resumes, phone calls etc. have hit road blocks; and efforts to find a trailer have not been successful thus far; but we continue to seek and pray.

We occasionally find ourselves questioning things. Are we moving too fast? Is this His will or are we panicking? Or are we indeed on the right track and God is just not letting us see tomorrow because this is the ultimate test of our faith in His sovereignty and provision?

We can't seem to see two steps in front of us let alone tomorrow. Even when I was graduating from high school I had some sense of direction in dreams and aspirations I was chasing after; but at the age of 53 and 60 our priorities are more responsible and that of wanting to be in God's perfect will. Thus, we find ourselves to be on this unknown journey with no compass other than that of the Holy Spirit; and we are trying to remain quiet in our emotions as much as possible to ensure that we can hear Him; purposing to be in line with His perfect plan for our lives.

Are we showing a lack of faith by lightening the ship? Or does He want us to lighten the ship so that we have no tethers that bind us from moving forward?

I was Skype messaging with a sister in Christ last evening from under the bed sheets so that I didn't wake Mike from his precious hour of sleep. Mike has not been able to get any sleep and I didn't want to be up on my computer with lights on. As it is, he and I were up and down throughout most of the night...as the pattern has been for some time now.

So anyway, I was messaging with a sister and at one point she sensed the story of Lazarus drop into her heart. Mike and I got up this morning and read the story over and took note of a couple of important truths about this story; the first being that Jesus did not rush to stop Lazarus' death. Although those who loved Lazarus were grieved in despair, He knew that what was about to occur was for "the glory of God."

³Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.
 ⁴When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.
 ⁵Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.
 ⁶When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.

Next, Martha knew that although Jesus could have prevented Lazarus' death, that whatever her LORD asked of God would be granted unto Him. She was not bitter or angry at Jesus but accepted that God knew best and was ultimately in control.

²¹Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.
 ²²But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee.
 ²³Jesus saith unto her, Thy brother shall rise again.

And in the midst of witnessing the personal pain and grief of those who loved Lazarus, Jesus being filled with compassion also grieved and wept even though He knew what was to occur; Lazarus being brought back to life and restored unto them.

³³When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.
 ³⁴And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.
 ³⁵Jesus wept.

John 11:1-44 (excerpts)

(Read entire section here.)

So, is Lazarus (our lives as we know them now) dying only that they shall be revived in such a manner as to give all glory and honor to God? I mean, we have always given glory to God for anything good that occurs in our lives...or so we believe. But is this the true test? Are we meant to hit roadblocks at every turn in order for all those who witness this time of transition to give praise and honor to God as they witness us unsuccessful in the strength of our own flesh to step off the cliff of nothingness; only to see the mighty hand of God appear to catch us and place us divinely in His will for our lives?

I must admit that Mike and I have often prayed the selfish prayer "Jesus come!" Desiring Him to pluck us out of this world of sin and pain so that we may be in the midst of our precious LORD Jesus. But again, we know that this is a selfish state of mind focusing on the ease of our circumstances when our focus should be on that of reaching out to others in serving the glory of our God.

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.

For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:

Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;

That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again.

Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel;

And in nothing terrified by your adversaries: which is to them an evident token of perdition, but to you of salvation, and that of God.

For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;

Having the same conflict which ye saw in me, and now hear to be in me.”

Philippians 1:21-30

These days grow longer and the sleepless nights are really taking their toll on our physical bodies.We are so weary and in need of refreshing and direction. Sometimes all I can pray is "God have mercy on your servants. Give us the strength to make it through today. During this tedious uphill journey let us not lose our footing and fail you."

Today we continue to pray, listen, hope and trust.



“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

OUR STORY Part 58: WHERE IS THE FINAL JUDGMENT?

I really do feel like "road kill" on the highway of injustice tonight. For several years now we have been run down, backed over and run over again...repeatedly. And pretty soon we will be run out of town by what appears to be nothing more than local politics perpetuating the injustice of known fraud.

Perhaps it is nothing more than a steady stream of "convenient coincidences" and "bad breaks" that we should just brush them off as being nothing more than "perchance."

Tonight I find myself sitting here once again perplexed over the ongoing coincidences.We have been awaiting the posting of the judge's final judgment in order to determine when our timeline begins to file an appeal. So, I went on the county website to check the status only to find that it has yet to be filed. It is just a few days shy of two months since the judge ruled on the MSJ throwing our case out. So what's the delay?

I had an unpleasant thought cross my mind this evening. You see, we can't file an appeal until the final judgment is singed; and if the house forecloses before that happens we've already been told that the case is as much as dead in the water. Kaput! Inte nu längre genomförbar!

Lose possession of the house and the recovery of damages is pretty much a mute issue. Thus, everyone involved washes their hands of any further concern and goes home to their comfy little houses, careers and lives. Everyone that is, except us.  We will drive off into the horizon with some clothes, kitchen stuff and our dogs; while leaving behind our life savings, every stick of furniture and a place we called home. We will also most likely leave behind the fading whispers of tittle tattle amongst neighbors.

What are the chances of anyone with a case as strong as ours (and a guilty jury verdict under our belt) incurring as many back to back bad breaks as we have? And what's with these professionals who keep coming into our lives befriending us, under the guise of wanting to help us right a terrible wrong; and collecting documents and information from us only to fall off the face of the earth, never be seen or heard from again. It's been like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone.

Perhaps this is all simply over-reaching on our part, but we don't think so. And we're still glad to have backed up our blogger and tucked a few copies of it away with entrusted individuals just in case we happen to run into yet another inconvenient coincidence or, God forbid; some catastrophic happenstance.

It gets really tiresome taking the repeated hits like some unfortunate Armadillo strewn out in the middle of Jacksboro Hwy.

This is one of those days where I feel as though I'm  failing God. We prayed and were blessed with a little more time to prepare our exit plan; and for this I am truly thankful. Yet it comes with a painful twist; for at the same time there is this conflict warring within me as I sit here with a bleeding heart knowing that there is now an extended window of opportunity. The little girl inside me still hopes for a miracle to drop from the sky and save the day.

I'm not coping very well tonight, please forgive me Father.

Romans 7:21-8:5  (KJV)

“I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:  

But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.

O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:

That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.”

OUR STORY Part 56: NIGHT WATCH ~ IT'S OFFICIALLY FORECLOSURE SALE DAY

I can't seem to sleep tonight. My gosh, this is just so very difficult, and on so many levels.

Losses, so many losses in such a short time. Horses, donkeys, our house, furniture, pictures, appliances, daily routines, a "home" and then there are those people who have become so very dear to us.

Tonight we had to run to the grocery store for our weekly shopping. It was an odd time of day, on a holiday to boot; and none of our regulars seemed to be working. It was really kind of depressing, especially since a couple of the guys have been really enjoying opening up and sharing their lives with Mike lately.

We have a little family over at Brookshire's in Lake Worth. It all began shortly after we moved here. A couple of years back the manager, Jonathan, approached us and told us that during their morning employee meeting they all discussed how we were their favorite customers. That touched us so deeply. Then just the other day one of the young guys made a point while loading our groceries in the truck to tell us that the checkers were recently discussing how we brighten up the store every time we come in, always with a happy disposition. We just looked at each other and said "wow" if they only knew.

I can remember our favorite little old box boy, Harold. He was in his seventies and lived alone with just he and his cat. He had the cutest little spiked hair do going on, and he was the most diligent worker; wouldn't let you push your own cart even though he was frail. He would load our truck and always make sure we knew where the E-G-G-S' were so that they didn't get broken. He had to spell the word out each and every time. Harold was very concerned about your eggs making it home safely, and Mike was concerned about Harold.

Mike spoke to him on several occasions making sure that Harold was firm in his relationship with Christ. Then one day we went shopping only to find out that Harold had gone home to be with His LORD. Everyone felt the loss of precious little Harold. It was after that Mike was able for the first time to engage in a conversation with the assistant manager who had always seemed somewhat shy.  The assistant manager was really heart broken about the loss of his little old buddy who had passed away and Mike was able to minister encouragement to him sharing of his talks with Harold, and reassuring the manager that Harold was in a better place. That really was a very precious moment!

The young checkers are always so sweet and love Mike ministering to them. One of our young ladies is pursuing a future in ministry through the Methodist church and we were able to give her an antique leather bound Wesley Hymnal we got on Ebay for $5.00. She was giddy!

One of the young men just discipled a fellow employee, a box boy who now openly shares his faith and wears a ring that says "Man of God." The other day he made a comment about my wedding ring and said he hoped to get married one day. I was able to share with him that a nice ring isn't the foundation of a good marriage, and told him to flee any young lady that made too much out of a piece of jewelry. We talked about how growing in faith together is the true bond that ties. I didn't share why, but did discuss that we were in fact selling my ring; and went on to share that I had a greater prize in being married to a husband who walks in sexual purity. He thought that was pretty cool!

Mike and the manager have had some great moments of heart felt discussion regarding faith and sexual purity for men. One afternoon they talked about some of the provocative cardboard beer advertisements that come in to the store; and as a result, the managers have relocated them out of the main stream of traffic putting them over where the alcohol is sold. Some actually even disappeared. =) After all, they run under the banner of being a Christian grocery store chain.

We have had such precious moments with the young checkers and courtesy clerks and haven't told them yet that we are having to leave because we know that it will be difficult for us all to say good bye. We have all grown so fond of one another.

Mike is writing a letter to the two young men he has been ministering to lately and giving them each one of our last two copies of "Every Day for Every Man" out of the Every Man's Battle series.  Seeds planted that God will certainly water through others down the road.

We had ordered a case of these dailys shortly after we arrived in Texas, and since then Mike has shared his testimony with many men; ministering over the past several years to the young Amish farrier brothers who recently ventured away from their roots; the tree trimmers from a broken family who were seeking for more of God; the exterminator who was praying for his broken relationship with his daughter and moving to be closer to her; the insurance salesman whose wife left him for another man; the business owner with five Rolex watches, two jags and a void in his life...and so on, and so on. Many seeds planted.

Well, I have to admit I am very scared right now. Afraid of the intense pain of the back to back losses hurting more than I can bare; and, of course scared of all the unknowns. The last couple of mornings when Mike and I have come together to pray he just holds me tight and begins; "Father, behold your son and daughter. Do not forsake your children, we need you now more than ever. We need a miracle!" Yesterday he surprised me a bit when he prayed a prayer that spoke volumes about how this all is really affecting him. He went on to pray "Father, we ask that when it is time, that you take us together. That we wouldn't be apart for one moment, but would enter Your Kingdom joined hand in hand." Words really can't express how deeply that touched my heart.

Well, we don't really have a clue what God's plan is for us, and as the Scriptures admonish us to "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (Matthew 6:34) we can only deal with today, today. Each day has been filled to the brim with the tasks of preparing for our exit from Humble Acres. We still haven't located a trailer; and yet the sun continues to rise and set as the days rapidly approach the upcoming estate sale. We don't know anything except that God's Word promises that He will not leave us or forsake us.

Well, its 1:30am and the countdown clock has stopped, it's here now and the fight is officially over. Today someone else will perhaps take deed to our little Humble Acres.

They can take everything else but they can't take title to our love.

I love you Michael, forever!!!

OUR STORY Part 53: LESS THAN TWO WEEKS LEFT TO SAY GOODBYE

The camera was not on the right setting as I hurried over to the window, but I wanted to get a shot of the nightly routine I had discussed in an earlier blog about Duke's resident friend Raccoon.

Duke lays under the window sill every night waiting for his buddy. After the Raccoon eats some left over cat food or bread crusts he comes over and stands on his hind legs while he and Duke press noses up against the window to say hello for a bit.

His friend then takes a bath in the big water dish and goes on with his evening while Duke goes back to sleep under the window sill, sometimes only to awake up later for a return visit from the little guy.

What a sweet memory we will treasure for sometime. I hope the next owners don't pull out a 22 and shoot at any of these precious creatures.

On another note: Mike and I have been working hard to clean closets, drawers and our office; organizing what we can in preparation for the estate liquidation sale.

Mike went to bed feeling very sick last night as a result of the ongoing surmounting stresses. It resulted in his having a major headache and nausea. Amongst other things, we have  been working on the unknowns of our immediate future; gathering contact information for emergencies while on the road to our new life, wherever that may be???

We have been filling out and sending off numerous applications and resumes to multiple areas, but nothing has transpired yet. We also sent correspondence via fax and followed up with numerous phone calls to the mortgage company and their foreclosure law firm in an effort to get them to work with us on our need for a little breathing room in this transition. But our correspondence has been much to no avail. They don't care or even have consideration enough for our plight to give us the courtesy of returning Mike's voice-mails.

They like so many others bring to thought the story of the man who fell amongst thieves.

“And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?

 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.”

Luke 10:30-37

There is still this battle at times when we find ourselves caught in the emotional paralysis of the "deer in the headlights."  The reality that after three and a half years our case came to a screeching halt.

We were supposed to be in trial next month, October 11, 2011, against the sellers' realtors and their brokerage firm. The senator's office and our attorney had both been communicating with the foreclosure law firm and Chase Home Finance in efforts to stave off foreclosure until we had an opportunity to have our case heard before a jury. This was successful until mid July when our lives were forever changed by the decision of one local judge who literally turned our world upside down; tossing out our case along with our civil right to seek justice and financial remedy through a jury of our peers.

The recent decision still haunts us along with comments made by individuals including our own attorney; inferring that as transplants from southern California we have simply been shut down by local small town politics.

It's irrelevant at this point as we are now on the fast track to losing everything we have worked so very hard for over many, many years. I think back on those 120 hour work weeks and the lengthy business trips doing trials away from home. Then there is all of that time, effort and love that went into Mike's efforts to provide me with my first real "home" and safe haven. It's all gone now, just like that!

“As through this world I ramble
I see lots of funny men.
Some will rob you with a six-gun
And some with a fountain pen.”
-Woody Guthrie

I have these periods of peace when I am able to meditate on God's promises; but then there are those times of complete melt down when we are hard at task dealing with the reality of our circumstances; selling off all of our memories of building a life together. It just becomes so physically and emotionally overwhelming at times; and not for lack of trying to express such in this blog, but there truly is no way to articulate what it is like to go through these past four years.

Mike doesn't look well these days and I find myself still checking to make sure he's chest is moving and he is still breathing in the middle of the night. Call it dramatic, but it's the reality of our life right now.

My blood pressure has been running high and consequently my vision has been very bad, combined with episodes of seizure activity. This only adds to the numerous stress factors Mike already has on his overflow palate.

We discussed again this morning how it is ever in the forefront of both our minds that we do not want to fail God in our words or thoughts. (Hebrews 3:12) Trusting God is not an option. Oh this wretched flesh of ours. Today I shall meditate on:

Proverbs 3:5-6

King James Version (KJV)

 ⁵Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
 ⁶In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Catch me Father, lest I fall!

PRAISE YOU IN THE STORM

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

OUR STORY Part 46: THE PARALYSIS OF STRESS OVERLOAD

Like a deer caught in the headlights, there's this internal mechanism that kicks in when you have so many overwhelming circumstances to deal with. Our human nature is to take control of our lives and to systematically prioritize. We are so used to being in control of our circumstances that trusting God and putting Him back in the driver's seat is often a very difficult task. Paris Reidhead once told a story where he was advising a young pastor: (Read full sermon here.)

"The great things Americans can accomplish without God." And he (the young preacher) accomplished a great deal, admittedly without God. Now he wanted something of power to accomplish his ends even further.
I said, "No..., no, you're sitting behind the wheel and you're saying to God give me power so I can go, You won't work, You've got to slide over."
But I knew that rascal, because I knew me. I said, "No, it will never do, you've got to get in the back seat." And I could see him leaning over and grabbing the wheel.
"No," I said, "it will never do in the back seat."
I said, "Before God will do anything for you, you know what you've go to do?"
So he said, "What?"
I said, "You've got to get out of the car, take the keys around, open up the trunk lid, hand the keys to the Lord Jesus, get inside the trunk, slam the lid down, whisper through the keyhole, 'Lord look, fill'r up with anything you want and you drive, it's up to you from now on.'"

That's where we are right now. We're in the trunk and we have NO CLUE where He is taking us. It's not for lack of trying to make things happen on our own. It's just been road block after road block and yet His grace has sustained us thus far.

http://www.cartoonstock.com

We send letters and make phone calls and most go unanswered or reply with the patented "not my job" response passing the buck on to some other entity. Right now we are waiting to see if Chase is going to budge so that we have enough time to sell our belongings in an effort to exist and to relocate. We send faxes, and make phone calls all day and have the Senator's office making their inquiry on our behalf, but these individuals are not motivated to respond with the same urgency that we are to have them respond so that we can effectively develop an exit plan.

Perhaps the customer service agents and decision makers at mortgage companies should be required to live on the streets for a week or even shack up with victims of foreclosure through the entire process in order to develop and refine their bedside manner attitudes and methods.

Well, that will never happen so we are back to what really matters; focusing on God's will for us and trusting in His grace to carry us over the seemingly improbable and impossible mountains ahead of us, or perhaps to just move them out of our way.

The last two days have been really difficult; emotionally and physically taxing on us. We feel a bit like the deer caught in the headlights, watching the foreclosure headlights headed for us at rapid speed, a bit paralyzed by the unknown of our tomorrows.

If you're looking for us, we're hiding in the trunk!

 

OUR STORY Part 44: OUR BATTERY NEEDS RECHARGING

I shared before the fact that Chase Home Finance's only motive for keeping us in the house is the fact that we maintain the property until they take possession. The stress factor is notched up a bit with so many pecan trees and a long standing burn ban in effect. With the high winds we had and 80 plus pecan trees shedding branches, some 4-5 inches in diameter and 10 feet long, the burn piles are growing everywhere.

With the impact on my health and the sale of our greatest aid, the tractor; I haven't been able to be as proactive as I was before in gathering branches. It bothers me so much to wonder what our neighbors must think about the property not being maintained perfectly. Especially with neighbors who have workman grooming their property on a daily basis. But what can you do?

Mike isn't feeling good this morning and he doesn't look well, but the property needs to be mowed badly. He went out to the barn and I could see he was having some difficulty. I walked out and he just had this expression like the milestone had suddenly dropped another notch. I gingerly asked what was wrong when he looked up in a gaze and said "the mower won't start, I think the battery is done." And of course we have no jumper cables.

Well, after trying everything he could he finally called our association president who loaned us a set of jumper cables. We got the mower going and then carefully shifted our weight on the seat so that it wouldn't stop running while Mike got on his knees and finagled the vacuum hose to work so we could get the deck to engage. We again shifted weight on the seat and my precious husband is now mowing 5 acres on a property that is being ripped from us along with our $80,000 cash down payment.

We have been maintaining our own pool now since November 2010 to save money. Not sure we are saving money since we almost spend as much on chemicals as we did on Kenny the pool guy.

Last week I noticed a little water leaking around the bottom of the large diatomaceous filter. A day later I back washed and went to turn it back to pool filter. All of the sudden little hairline cracks were emitting tiny sprays of water. It appears that the age of the filter along with the long drought and excessive heat has taken its toll on the pool filter. I just pray and ask God to hold it and us together until we get through all of this.

Even with all that we have been through, this is still my home and I want to take care of it. Perhaps its part of some deep denial. After all, this was supposed to be a home of "healing" for me. This is really the first time ever that I had what was a real home for me, but that's another story.  The drilling was an absolute nightmare, but once we understood surface rights and how things go, and that they had a right to drill there; we just made the best of it. During bad storms Mike offered our home and phones for the workers in an emergency.

I really will miss our birds and the insects. We make sure they have plunge time each day so the birds can drink and bathe. They actually start to gather that time of the day when they know its coming. Its been God's way of helping me through much of this. I started a website at "His Creatures" and we were going to pursue a small business venture with this to reach out to children in the local schools. I had located experts who were helping me identify species and provide ID's; some were wonderful professors from local universities. We just couldn't seem to get a break financially.

Resident Cooper at the end of the pool.

I hope someone doesn't come in here and tear down all of the trees. There are so many birds, insects and other wildlife that depend on them for survival. We have Cuckoos, Cardinals, Cooper Hawks, Red Shoulder Hawks, Fly Catchers, Barn Swallows, Downy and Ladderback Woodpeckers, Yellow Belly Sap Suckers...and the list just goes on. I think I actually have a list somewhere. I've just been too depressed to take photos and list them since late last year.

Well, I better stop here. I know when the heart begins to ache too much and its time to guard my emotions and busy myself on our exit.

OUR STORY Part 39: APPEALING FOR HELP

Following our discouraging email from our attorney suggesting we find an appellate attorney on Craigslist, we now find ourselves right back where we were three years ago, searching for legal representation on contingency; this time for an appeal.

On Thursday we received the text from our attorney about the bad ruling against us and later we contacted a Fort Worth Super Lawyer who was compassionate enough to rush us in for an appointment the next morning, Friday, at 9:00a.m.

Shortly after we received the text from our attorney, and in the midst of dealing with the trauma of years of litigation coming to such a horrible end; the plumbing stopped up and we were unable to flush toilets or to bath. I can't begin to express in words the surmounting stress and depression we went through. And this on top of the fact that we've had a main water line leak going out to the barn for over a week that we can't afford to fix. The water has begun moving across the drive into the front pasture. I can't bring myself to walk out to the mail box and see the water flow, the empty pastures, the broken down lawn mower. My heart hurts so much I struggle with the guilt of knowing I should have faith in God, but feeling completely hopeless.

We woke up Friday morning and unable to shower headed off to our meeting feeling awful and humiliated during this 103 plus heat wave. Nonetheless, we had to go and meet with someone who was showing us compassion enough to take time to review our matter. When we came home I emailed relevant documents for him to review and we are to meet or speak with him again on Monday.

He expressed that he suspects we have issues warranting another potential legal matter which I will not discuss at this time. However, the most critical issue at hand is that of a time clock running for us to file an Appeal. We have no Appellate Attorney, and we have no hope left. It's just been beaten down too many times.

Mike and I have always cared about people, and in fact; our desire was to open up our land to grow vegetables and hold barbeques to feed the homeless and hungry. What a turn of events, now we could be living out on the streets digging through trash for remnants. Those who deem that dramatic just don't understand us and our circumstances, and they don't pay attention to those human beings who are already out there on the streets.

When we came home from our meeting with the attorney, a large successful plumbing company in the area sent someone out. A young silver tongued salesman who refused to snake our pipes because of potential liability with it getting caught in the septic tank. He said the only way to go was to use high pressure water through the pipes. Coincidentally, his dad owned the company they use to sub contract to do the work. I was crying and Mike was humbled, pleading with him:

"But we don't have the $550 dollars to do that. Can't you just snake it?" 

The plumber simply replied:

"No."

He collected his $69.00 and left without doing any repairs other than sawing off a cap which relieved the blockage but now left us with raw refuse to be dumped directly out onto the ground outside the bedroom wall. That was the best he said he could do for us and if we didn't order the other service within the business hours of that day, the $69.00 would not be applied towards repairs.

Yes, I continued to sob as I looked at this young man the age of our own children, in complete disbelief of his lack of human compassion or ethics regarding the raw sewage he left us to deal with.

Mike decided to call the septic service after that, and Larry from Aerobi Tech was here about an hour after the plumber had gone. He got out of his van and looked at the water flowing across the drive and said "What's this?! Is this your septic?" That was all it took and I began sobbing. Precious Larry said "Honey, you look like you could use a hug!" I broke down and shared with him what we were dealing with and he was so kind to us. He fixed our plumbing issue and said "This one's on me guys. And if you have any issues ya'll ask for me."

I asked Mike to send him with a set of "Pilgrims Progress" CD's we had for his kids in response to his kindness. When Mike returned from the speaking with Larry he said:

"Netty, you won't believe what just happened.  Larry broke down and was crying. He said our situation and our love for one another just touched him deeply. Larry just lost his wife the beginning of this year, on their 33rd anniversary. I got to minister God's love to him."

What happened today just confirms what God speaks in His Word and has shown us over these past few years. People who have compassion are those who have walked through fiery trials. They aren't just "do-gooders" but are those who reach out to others from the very depths of sincere compassion stemming from personal experience. They understand what it is to endure hardship. Larry bore the fruit of one whose heart had been softened by personal trials.

More than our need for plumbing repair, Mike and I just needed to experience someone who cared about us.

NEWS LINKS ON FORECLOSURES: THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL IMPACT

USA TODAY: "FORECLOSURES & DEPRESSION"

LIVING LIES: DEATH BY SUICIDE RELATED TO FORECLOSURES RECORDED AS "DEATH BY NATURAL DEATH"

FORECLOSURES AND PHYSICAL/MENTAL REPERCUSSIONS

FORECLOSURES CAUSING HOMEOWNERS TO COMMIT SUICIDE

HOUSTON COUPLE AVOIDS FORECLOSURE WITH SUICIDE PACT

FORECLOSURE NOTICE LEADS TO SUICIDE OF 'NICE LADY'

DEATH BY FORECLOSURE

FORECLOSURE RELATED SUICIDES ON THE RISE

DISTRESSED BORROWER COMMITS SUICIDE OVER FORECLOSURE

DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND DISCUSSION "FORECLOSURE & SUICIDE"

OUR STORY Part 30: THIS HOLE IN MY HEART HURTS

This morning the donkeys were picked up by the North Texas Human Society and a gentleman, Hugh McElroy. Now all that remains is a huge hole in our hearts, and we can't seem to stop the bleeding.

Before we began loading the little ones into the trailer, the woman from the Humane Society said, "I sure hope you can hang on to those dogs, they aren't as easy to place as the minis." I looked over at Dixie and Duke and fought back the tears. She went on to say "Surely God can't take everything away from you, right?" I couldn't even catch my breath to muster up a response.

I began to have this panic attack and all I could see was everything in front of me that was left to be taken from us. The house, the birds and insects. Over 8,000 photographs and macros of memories communing with God through His creatures. It was the one thing that got me through the events over the past three years.

This afternoon Mike went out to shut the barn door, I just couldn't handle going out there with him. It took him a while before he returned to the house. When he came back he said "That was really hard." (Tears welling up in his eyes.) "There's no life out there any more honey, everyone is gone now."

My heart is crying out right now... "God, what more do you want from me?" It seems that everything good in my life has always been violently ripped away from me. I take a few steps and then I have these panic attacks and I can't breath.

What next?

=*(*****

WITHSTANDING THE TEMPEST

This week we have felt much like we expect the men on the ship with Paul did as they were facing Euroclydon. (Acts 27-28) We have been tossed about with the tempests of depression, fear, anxiety and loss this week.

We know that the house is set for foreclosure sale on June 7th, and were just so blessed that we were at least going to see our baby bird's for this spring hatch and leave the nest prior to our being forced out onto the streets.

Each year the birds have nested outside the living room window in a birdhouse. This year it was Bluebirds. Mike would tend to the house and check daily to see if mommy had laid her eggs. She laid 5 eggs this year and we would sit each day on the sofa eating dinner and watch her and the daddy tend to their nest, chasing off intruders.

One day was very comical as a brown-headed cowbird landed on top of the house. Mommy stuck her body half way out the hole of the house snatched a tail feather off the cowbird and took it in as nesting material. 

Last years babies were Carolina Wrens


It's a small thing, but the birds have given us much joy during this difficult journey. God's creatures casting no care for where they will sleep or what they will eat.

Yesterday morning Mike sat down with me and had this painful look on his face as I was looking for the Bluebirds. "Honey" he said, "I have to tell you something."

Apparently Mike went out and found the bird house toppled over first thing in the morning, and 4 of the 5 eggs broken on the ground. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but to this 6'4" loving and tender bear of a man, it was devastating. Especially since this would be the last memory of our spring baby birds.

We are so very tired. Tired of the stress. Tired of the losses. Tired of the constant delays.

Mike isn't looking forward to tomorrow; actualy neither of us are. A very nice man is coming with a trailer to pick up all of our donkeys. We are blessed they will remain together, but pretty despressed over the fact that we will miss the birth of Sarah's foal.

Mike went out to feed them tonight and I watched the barn door close as he went in and spent time alone with his little buddy, Zorro. He told me "It's going to be really difficult for me to say goodbye to my little buddy."

So much pain, separation and loss. Everything is being ripped from our lives and our hearts.

Abba, help us!

Psalm 124

 ¹If it had not been the LORD who was on our side, now may Israel say;
 ²If it had not been the LORD who was on our side, when men rose up against us:
 ³Then they had swallowed us up quick, when their wrath was kindled against us:
 ⁴Then the waters had overwhelmed us, the stream had gone over our soul:
 ⁵Then the proud waters had gone over our soul.
 ⁶Blessed be the LORD, who hath not given us as a prey to their teeth.
 ⁷Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers: the snare is broken, and we are escaped.
 ⁸Our help is in the name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth.