Getting things out in preparation for the estate sale has been somewhat challenging to say the least. Knowing that everything that is being sold has a special memory attached to it. When Mike met me and came to my home he was stunned. I had no pictures or art of any kind hanging on walls. I never collected things or decorated. I never even had my own bedroom dresser. So Mike purposed in his heart to provide me with my first real sense of a place to call home.
Part of me just wants someone to rip the Band-aid off fast and get it over with. I just keep reminding myself that this life and it's treasures are so very temporary; and I pray that God's grace growing within me is building eternal treasures within my heart of greater humility, selflessness and purity in both purpose and motive.
As a child of God I am called to "put my hand to the plow and not looking back." (Luke 9:62) The only way to do that effectively is to keep looking forward. However, that's been a challenge in itself since we don't have a clue where God is taking us.
When Mike proposed to me we were up at Big Bear Lake for a weekend staying in a condo for free that Mike had acquired through a trade. We had our poles out on the lake shore and he pulled out the ring like a fishing lure. A moment I will cherish forever. Mike often commented that he "caught" me with that lure; but the truth of the matter is that I am the most blessed woman in the world to have him as my husband. When Mike took me as his wife, he took on the huge task of mending a very broken being.
Now the home and life we have built together is being completely dismantled; and if he were to be taken away there would be nothing left really to hold on to of him. I don't want to come off as overly dramatic, but this topic has of late been a part of our discussions as Mike has struggles with the issue of having little option left but to cancel his life insurance policy premiums; being concerned over my well-being if anything were to happen to him. All I care is that we continue to grow old together. I know that he struggles inside with thoughts of failing me in life, and consequently in passing should I not have the security of a policy.
I have these conflicting moments of assurance that God must have something wonderful awaiting us at the eleventh hour, and that this is all just serving to grind away fear and confidence in the arm of our own flesh. For His Word says "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." (Hebrews 13:5) and "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19
But then again Jesus Christ said "For the poor always ye have with you; but me ye have not always." (John 12:8) And as I read "I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." (Psalm 37:25) I ask myself, LORD am I righteous? Have I, or have we failed You somehow? We have lived our lives seeking His will and receiving His chastening as best we know how, but are there blind spots of which we are unaware?
With each blow over the past several years we have purposed in our hearts to stay faithful to Him no matter what. Is it the "no matter what" that is still being tested? Will we past this test faithfully giving glory to God in our response to the unknown?
I don't know what our tomorrows have in store for us. All I can see right now is that I am still here in my home. I know where my tooth brush sits, and the dogs know their favorite napping places. There is the fading comfort and familiarity of our daily routines; a surreal sense of feeling it all slipping out of our grasp.
Again, I know there are others who have it worse; but that doesn't make it any easier for us to go through this. We don't want pity, we just seek God's grace to carry us through.
I found our wedding song put to video lyrics and thought I would post it. It isn't a Christian song, but speaks to who and what my husband meant to me when God blessed me with this precious man.
Thank you for loving me Michael.
